COLUMBUS, Ga. — A mythical suspect in a felony theft case remains at-large after a series of complaints of criminal mischief led to the discovery of a missing pot of gold from the front of a downtown apartment building. 

The following composite sketch and information has been released:

After several local residents all reported to hear high-pitched laughter echoing from the bushes along Front Street from what they assumed to be rambunctious teenagers destroying property, officers of the Columbus Police Department were called in to investigate. 

Officer O’Parody, a Corporal Detective of the department’s Mythological Investigations Unit (MIS) says he then witnessed a three-foot-tall figure spring from the bushes and race down front street behind what appeared to be a pot of gold floating along a rainbow in front of the creature’s path. 

“It moved faster than anything on two legs I’ve ever seen,” O’Parody said in an exclusive interview. “That pot of gold must have weighed a couple hundred pounds. I have no idea how it was just floating in front of him like that.”

The gold is hypothetically estimated to be valued at more than $6 million given the size and shape of its container. At an estimated weight of 200 pounds valued at roughly $1,900 per ounce, its theft would likely be considered Felony Theft in Georgia and carry a sentence of more than 20 years. 

Other officers already dispatched to provide security for Uptown’s St. Patrick’s Day festivities then noticed the suspect, describing it as a man-like creature dressed in green with a bright orange beard. 

“He looked like a cartoon character,” one officer said. “And man, was that little guy fast! I couldn’t believe it! There was literally a rainbow shooting out in front of him as he flew down the street chasing this giant pot of gold!”

One CPD patrol vehicle was able to corner the creature momentarily, though the officer was not able to apprehend the suspect. The officer in the vehicle reported that the creature then screamed something she will remember for the rest of her life.

“He just looked at me, smiled, and screamed ‘They’re after me lucky charms!” I can still hear him saying it. It was cartoonish, but I’ll never forget it,” the officer said. “That’s when I knew I had to call in Vice/Narcotics to see if they knew anything about these ‘lucky charms’ the suspect kept talking about.”

That’s when the suspect took off again, darting into a crowd of residents on Broadway. Though officers pursued on-foot, they lost sight of the suspect in the crowd due to its abnormally-small stature.

“He was just too fast,” Officer O’Parody said. “He was the fastest little gremlin alive, I swear. And we couldn’t even see him. He must have hid that gold someplace and used it as an opportunity to wear us all down chasing him through the crowd. That mischievous little guy knew exactly what he was doing.”

As additional vehicles began covertly cordoning off the area, the creature made his final escape. 

According to witnesses on the scene, the creature then appeared to be in pursuit of the giant pot of gold once again as a giant rainbow shot up and across the Chattahoochee River just north of the Dillingham Bridge with the pot of gold landing across state lines in Alabama. 

The creature then appeared to float across the rainbow, though the gold continued to float south on Broad street in Phenix city with the creature flying along behind it. 

The Phenix City Police Department and Russell County Sheriff's Office have been informed of the situation and are willing to arrange extradition back to Columbus if the suspect is captured within their jurisdiction.

Residents with information on the suspect’s whereabouts are encouraged to rhetorically contact Corporal Pat O’Parody of the Columbus Police Department.

If you haven’t noticed, this article is a comedic spoof for entertainment purposes and is not an actual news report of an actual crime. No such events have actually occurred. Happy St. Patrick’s Morning After! Drink water and stay safe y’all! 

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