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COLUMBUS, Ga. — Our own Fountain City was recently voted the “safest and least corrupt city in the country” by a national association aimed at highlighting public safety and constitutional governance across the U.S.

The prestigious award was bestowed by the Sloof Lirpa Association, or SLA for short. The SLA is a 706(c)(3) corporation registered at 100 E 10th Street. 

After record-low crime rates were controlled by the outstanding rise in police recruitment & retention, the SLA took note. 

UNCONVENTIONAL TACTICS

The award cites how the outstanding leadership of the Columbus Police Department’s chief, Freddie Blackmon, facilitated unconventional tactics to combat crime throughout the city. One of those genius tactics was deploying only 11 individual officers to patrol the city’s entire 205,000 population on weekend nights. 

Even though the city’s 26 police beats require a 55-officer minimum to patrol, Blackmon knew his unconventional plan would work to serve and protect the city. 

TACTICS DEPLOYED

As expected, the city’s crime rates soared as every corner of the region became a target-rich environment for criminals. Violent crime rates skyrocketed, particularly shootings.

In one single weekend, with Blackmon’s unconventional tactics deployed, the low number of officers on patrol enabled the shootings of 17 people throughout the city. One of those shootings saw nine children shot. The children were as young as five years old; one of which permanently lost their eye. 

The criminal-rich environment presented Blackmon with the opportunity to arrest the thugs responsible for the heinous mass shooting, drawing attention to the genius behind Blackmon’s unconventional approach to policing. 

As it turned out, Blackmon’s approach allowed the criminals to feel emboldened to commit violent crime, which in turn allowed him to find the criminals and arrest them so his department’s arrest statistics looked as polished as possible. 

OUTSTANDING RESULTS

By sacrificing the bodies of those nine children, Blackmon was able to catch two of the city’s 1,800 validated gang members. 

According to Blackmon’s own words, his operation was a success. 

When asked about the mass shooting of nine children in a press conference held the following day, Blackmon’s esteemed leadership ability and outstanding policing strategy earned him the respect he deserved. 

Confidently, Blackmon assured us all that “the city is safe.” 

SAME RESULTS EXPECTED

Blackmon recently presented the city with his strategic plan for having the department produce more of these unconventional approaches to policing through 2026. 

Alternative approaches have also been independently developed for CPD should Blackmon’s unconventional tactics run out of citizens to sacrifice in his hunt for criminal arrests.

Our city’s mayor, Skip Henderson, couldn’t be prouder of his recommendation for making Blackmon our city’s Chief of Police. Henderson’s continued public support for Blackmon’s efforts serve as an example of how much Henderson cares for the safety of our city’s residents. 

The award also noted our city’s absence of political corruption, particularly how there are absolutely no city officers recently tied to political protests against the city to ensure Blackmon’s unconventional approach can continue unfettered.

APRIL FOOLS

April Fools? Sadly, no — not really. Only the award. 

Beside the fictitious award and parodic ‘Sloof Lirpa’ Association — which is April Fools spelled backwards if you didn’t notice — the entire rest of the article is completely fact-based. All of those things actually happened.

This really isn’t satire, and that should deeply concern you.

The city is in shambles with a projected homicide rate that rivals third-world countries. 

The city manager makes public statements of how he intends to hijack constitutional elections to ensure the city’s mayor and city council are all black-skinned by the next two election cycles. 

Racial division is purposefully employed by serial agitators and organizations funded by the city manager to help facilitate his illegal and racist agenda.

Drug use has skyrocketed and overdose deaths have doubled. 

The city’s poverty rate is twice the national average. 

Homelessness increased for the first time in years. 

Employment per capita has declined.

Evictions have doubled. 

People are leaving.

Futures are grim.

The. 

List. 

Goes. 

On. 

Speak.

Up.

Fix.

It.

Facts are stubborn things — and we’ll keep publishing them, whether city officials like them or not.

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